[MF] A Work in Progress

I could feel his stare blazing into the back of my skull as if it were literally burning my flesh. I subconsciously brought my hand up to feel my skin rotting away, but as soon as touched the back of my head I realized my mind was playing tricks on me again. Bringing my focus back to him, I could feel the sheer hatred he had for me, just by the immense sensation his body let off. I couldn’t bring myself to turn around and meet his gaze, because I didn’t want to confirm what I already knew. It was me, it was always me. It was my fault he didn’t feel as if he belonged with anyone. It was my fault he didn’t feel at all. I knew if I turned towards him tears would roll down my cheeks and I wouldn’t be able to stop them, so I decided to leave. I decided to leave him, and I would have chosen differently if I had known that was the last opportunity I would have to see him alive.


If I would have known the outcome of all my actions, I would have never taken that blade and glided it along my skin, but it felt so good. The adrenaline rushed through my veins, my heart pumped a little faster. It made me feel so free. Seeing the red run down my arm, it made me feel alive. I never thought it would affect him. I never thought he would take it as far as he did. 


I should have never taken the pills. I almost took one too many and It would have been me who was six feet under right now, not him. They were just another way of making me feel good. Another way for me to forget my home life and escape for a while. The high didn’t last for more than a few hours, but the remarkable feeling I had for those short periods of time were incredible. I have never felt anything like it. I don’t think I will ever feel anything else that could come close. The best part though? Mixing the blade and the high. It was pure ecstasy. Nothing could top it, not even him. Maybe that is what pushed him too far? 


He would never do it with me, he didn’t like being out of control in his own body. When I did it, he would sit by my side and hold my hand until it was over. He always longed for it to be over faster than the time before, but it never happened. He still sat there with me and waited. Always waiting on me, always wanting me. 


I wish I would have realized it sooner, but I was too engulfed in my own demons to see anything around me. I was too self-involved. My thoughts told me to do things, they told me to hurt my body because that was the only pain I wanted to feel. I was numb to being the punching bag at home, the kicks and slaps only left physical marks, they no longer haunted me. I could walk through my house without bursting into hysterics, and I liked that. If the price was simple as a cut or a pill, I was willing to pay it. 


He knew what I had to deal with at home, I don’t get why he had to pile more nonsense into my mind. Nothing made sense anymore. He was supposed to be there always, he was supposed to hold my hand. Now? Now I only have me. No one to wait for me, no one to hold me, no one, and it is my fault. 


What I find funny about this whole thing is that I want to slide the blade across my skin and make line after line of blood. Watching it spread and drip. This isn’t normal, this is what killed him. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing me to my nightmares, so he made sure I lost him first. I can already feel the loneliness getting to me, it is hitting me all at once. I can’t handle being here without him, so I take a couple more pills than usual, hoping it would turn out the way I wanted it to. 
I can feel my body being taken over by extreme bliss, the feeling is in the pit of my stomach and it sits there. Thinking about him not being here puts a strange smile on my face. He went out so dramatically, making it out like he was the victim in all of this. He was never the victim, I was. I am the victim of my own life, of my own mind. I can’t escape any of it. He took the cowards way out and just up and left everything behind. 


Sitting there, in the dark, with my head on my pillow, I started to smell his cologne. I knew it wasn’t real, I knew the ghosts inside my mind were trying to mess with me, but at that point, I didn’t care. I took comfort in thinking he was there.